๐ How many times he (Sri Ramakrishna) prayed to the Divine Mother for my sake! After my father’s death, when I had no food at home and my mother and sisters and brothers were starving too, the Master prayed to the Divine Mother to give me money. ... But I didn’t get any money. The Master told me what the Divine Mother had said to him: “He will get simple food and clothing. He will eat rice and dal”.
He loved me so much! But whenever an impure idea crept into my mind he at once knew about it. While going around with Annada, sometime I found myself in the company of evil people. On those occasions the Master could not eat any food from my hands. He could raise his hand only a little, and could not bring it to his mouth. On one such occasion, while he was ill, he brought his hand very close to his mouth, but it did not go in. He said to me: “You are not yet ready”.
Sri Ramakrishna was the only person, who ever since he met me, believed in me uniformly throughout - even my mother and brothers did not do so. It was his unflinching trust in me and love that bound me to him forever. He alone knew how to love another. Worldly people only make a show of love for selfish ends.
How I used to hate Kali and all Her ways! That was the ground of my six years’ light - that I would not accept Her. But I had to accept Her at last. Ramakrishna Paramahamsa dedicated me to Her, and now I believe that She guides me in every little thing I do, and does with me what She will! ... Yet I fought so long! I loved him, you see, and that was what held me. I saw his marvellous purity ... I felt his wonderful love ... His greatness had not dawned on me then. All that came afterwards, when I had given in. At that time I thought him a brain-sick baby, always seeing visions and the rest. I hated it. And then I too had to accept Her!
No, the thing that made me do it is a secret that will die with me. I had great misfortunes at that time. ... It was an opportunity. … She made a slave of me. Those were the very words: “a slave of you”. And Ramakrishna Paramahamsa made me over to Her. ... Strange! He lived only two years after doing that, and most of the time he was suffering. Not more than six months did he keep his own health and brightness.
Let none regret that they were difficult to convince! I fought my Master for six years with the result that I know every inch of the way! Every inch of the way!
You see my devotion is the dog’s devotion. I have been wrong so often and he has always been right, and now I trust his judgement blindly.
Swami Vivekananda
(“Swami Vivekananda on Himself”, Advaita Ashrama, 2006, “Discipleship”, pp. 32-3)
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